The only remaining sense of security Pain 😊
About
Based in: USA · New York. A sinner being punished in the fourteenth level of hell I don't take a master, I don't do training meetups Height 160cm Weight 50kg Cancer
InterestsModerate, Heavy / Experienced / 10–20 yrs
Looking forChat
Dynamics
A couple days ago I chatted with a friend about ordering takeout and deliveries at home. I'm very afraid my parents will scold me, like I'm being watched and interrogated. Then I suddenly remembered being in training (TJ), I really like being interrogated, I really like being stared at seriously and fiercely by an S. The reason I like it is precisely because I'm afraid of that feeling. I'm afraid so I like it, it's magical and contradictory. Before, I liked being interrogated because I felt I was guilty and deserved to be treated that way. Because it corresponds to my original family: I thought I shouldn't have been born, I brought a big burden to the family, without me the family might be better off. This kind of interrogation and gaze that I like because I'm afraid of it lets both my body and mind reach climax (gc). Similar to this contradiction is pain: I also really like pain, pain also makes me climax. Could these abnormal things be human nature? Because to adapt to surviving in society, nature became abnormal.
I don't understand what I'm being so aloof about ~ I'm just something worse than a chicken ~
#9.30 Just rambling a bit ~ I know I've been destined to be abandoned since I was little ~ and I know the mistakes I've made can't be forgiven ~ but I seem to always choose the wrong answer. That helplessness is like doing physics multiple-choice in senior year of high school: no matter how hard I tried, it was still a paper full of wrong answers I keep making mistakes, keep blaming myself, keep punishing myself. After punishing, there's no other choice but to watch myself choose the wrong answer. My correct answer seems to have been stolen? Or does this world have no correct answer at all? I know I'm destined to be abandoned, but I've always been looking for a straw to grasp. I also know I'm destined to be abandoned, so every straw is destined to break in the end Actually I also know all the wrong answers were chosen voluntarily by myself, very clearly. I'm in one dead loop after another, but I can't escape I really, really want to know when I can push myself to death. The current me is like the beginning of everything, back then I was naive, looking for a killer in a message in a bottle, to kill myself, saying r*pe first then kill is fine too ~ hahaha ~ The current me is the same, I really want something to happen, I really want something that can push me to death ~ What to do next ~ I also know there are ways I can earn money and live on, but it's like I can't let go of something. I think I'll just go with the flow, but the full sense of insecurity makes me anxious, contradictory enough to go crazy. I know I'm in a dead loop but I can't escape ~ sigh ~
😂 I'm really the type who climbs on the roof and lifts the tiles if not beaten for three days ~ because in 3 days the wounds heal ~ it stops hurting ~ once it doesn't hurt I want to be beaten again ~ hahahahahahaha ~
Want to meet a little brat who plays openly ~ 😏 A girl, oh ~
Who gets it ~ For one or two weeks after shaving, I have to walk holding half my butt cheek apart ~ boohoo ~ it stings like hell 🐶 ~
For all the little m's to send to their daddies ~ hahahaha ~ Happy Father's Day ~
Suddenly I understood the word punishment Punishment (刑) is the outward expression, penalty (罰) is the inner manifestation. Using abuse of the body to control the heart is no worse than other heart-controlling methods, it's just a bit extreme. Who made me someone who loves ultimate beauty ~
Meme stickers, my dream
A little brat tip! When your S hits too hard, beyond what you can take You can stay under the covers and let the S hit you Then the S can vent and hit as much as they want, and for the little brat it just feels like a massage ~ hahahaha
I'm going crazy ~ I accidentally shaved off a small piece of skin with the razor ~ but it actually barely hurts. If I kept shaving... would that count as death by a thousand cuts ~
Scrolling Douyin I saw an interesting question: those of you with depression, what are you addicted to? The truth is sex is the most common ~ besides cigarettes, alcohol, games and money, I also saw quite a few comments saying abuse, pain fetish. Although I always knew many people in this scene are depressed, I always thought they liked SM because of depression. Now thinking the other way round, do they really like SM? Or do they like healing? How many people in this scene truly understand BDSM and truly like BDSM? I myself have actually been thinking about this question too: do I really like SM? Am I really a person of this scene? I can't deny that when my emotions aren't fluctuating, I actually don't want to be abused. But I do clearly know every SM activity I like, why I like it, what point I like about it, even the underlying logic behind it, I know it all clearly
No wonder White Knight and DID are also part of the BDSM world, that is truly abusive ~ (After watching 48's White Knight explainer ~) Those who entered the scene because of depression ~ are destined not to be healed in the scene ~ and won't get redemption ~ I always knew it, I just didn't expect I was right ~ and didn't expect the ending could be this abusive
My head is on my neck and my shoulders are so tired ~ can't I take it off ~
What use is loyalty, really ~
😵 Boohoo ~ Lately I really love girl-on-girl ~ I want to be abused by an older sister too, sisters hit just as hard ~ hahahaha ~
Long ago, one day, I used "I don't deserve it" to tell myself I shouldn't and couldn't have things Much later, I had brainwashed myself so much that just one "I don't deserve it" could make my brain 🌊, such a strong sense of humiliation After who knows how much longer, I no longer only felt shame at those words. "I don't deserve it" had become a statement of fact, I had accepted it, just like I feel no shame at "Sao浪Jian" (slutty, lewd, cheap), because I know that's what I am
Where is the one-click button to quit the Earth Online game ~
The essence of enjoying punishment turned out to be enjoying being redeemed I thought I no longer needed or wanted redemption anymore ~ but it turned out what I wanted was a different kind of redemption ~
Originally I was wondering if the Earth Online game has a risk of living But after thinking about it, it seems there was originally no risk of living~ Hahahaha Optimistically negative and thought it was a good thing~ In the end it's full of helplessness~ Could it be that between the door of life and the door of death I have to choose to hit a wall~