Recently I've studied some psychology books and papers, learned a bit, and combined with experience I'll talk about my insights. It's written very long, only as a reference for myself at this moment. Here I won't talk about the chaos of material desire and carnal desire, because these two instinctive desires can do value exchange anywhere, too easily satisfied. No need to talk about these in the circle. Those who understand, understand. From a deeper level, a healthy ds relationship — the only way out must be mutual healing. Whether the purpose is to spend a lifetime together, whether we'll marry and have children, has never been the standard for measuring whether a relationship has a way out. No one can ensure accompanying you through your life journey: relatives will pass away, pets will get lost, even your own life may not stop at which moment. Let alone two people originally strangers in a vast sea of people? This is originally common sense. Whether to marry or not is just a small gift, a small fit, built on the basis of a good ds relationship plus having the same plans. Marriage itself is also a small matter. Moreover, two people capable of healing each other would originally have a more stable emotional relationship. What's more, as dom and sub, on the surface, both have extraordinary needs for feelings and relationships; the reason is that inside they both have trauma and deviation. I absolutely do not agree with most claims that a dom must be a born strong person, must give more of something, to help the sub rebuild the self. Ds is absolutely not one-sided, one person giving energy to another — everyone is an ordinary person with wounds on the soul; this itself is also unfair. From a psychological角度, between a dependent personality and a controlling personality, there is a destined wonderful attraction — they need each other. But most of the two, in a relationship, are tormenting each other. The essence of a controlling personality is fear of being controlled. So in a relationship they become indifferent, constantly weighing pros and cons, even through努力creating a series of psychological conditions favorable to themselves in the relationship, to expand their own safety zone, while also unintentionally compressing the other party's safety zone. The essence of a dependent personality comes from fear of being abandoned, and often in a relationship oversensitively detecting a sense of being abandoned. So constantly in the heart seeking proof, referencing, questioning, demanding the other party provide a sense of security. The root of mutual harm lies in: the more the dependent personality demands the other party provide security, the more the other party feels their safety zone being invaded; the controlling personality, to escape this feeling, becomes even more indifferent, even more uses psychological advantage to suppress the other party; this further empties the other party's sense of security, creating an irrecoverable vicious cycle. This is also why many couples inside and outside the circle, when no situation occurs, are sweet to death; once one side has psychological pressure, they start you-retreat-I-chase, suffering torment. And a good ds relationship is precisely able, through the power transfer recognized by both sides, to simultaneously relieve the unease deep inside both people. The dom, through obtaining the ample control power actively delivered by the sub, slowly heals their own fear of being controlled. And the sub, through obtaining the dom's effective supervision and control, feels cared for, accepted, needed, thereby slowly healing their own fear of being abandoned. In the sea of people, two strangers without mutual healing, at first meeting demanding the other party's complete trust of spirit and flesh — absolutely unfair, and illogical; and at first meeting being eager to completely deliver one's own power will most likely not succeed, and is no different from blind gambling. Both are irresponsible to oneself and the other party. This should originally be a steady, steadily rising process. The confidence of both people, and the trust in each other, gradually climb in this process of mutual healing. Only then is there the determination and courage to face difficulties and weather storms without failing. Everyone is an ordinary person, everyone has a self-protection mechanism. Any attempt to ignore the process and make an eager leap will bury hidden dangers for a trust crisis. Don't talk about employing people without doubt: employment itself is a risk diversification mechanism, and delivering oneself to another are completely two levels of concepts. This is a psychologically logical closed loop; physical contact is the most intuitive, most intimate method, so it's an effective means. Finally I want to say, whether dom or sub, everyone is an ordinary person with some pain on the soul. Dependent or controlling, inside or outside the circle, everyone more or less has a bit. From this level, no one is a chosen one, and no one can become your chosen one. Carnal desire and material desire, roughly is enough — where is there an end? Going to fight for what you shouldn't match, after stimulation or exaggeration, what remains? Unstable cash flow, and unstable emotional sources, are both untenable. Only those honest enough to face oneself, sincere enough to face the other party, are rare things hard to find in a lifetime.
About
Based in: South Korea · Daejeon. Height 165cm Weight 53kg Taurus
Dynamics
Don't be hurt once, then think all passersby from now on come with knives.
Likes smoking, forcing myself that the first goal of 2021 is strict smoking cessation — exactly one cigarette left, at this very moment thinking of leaving it for tomorrow, and tomorrow is not yet 2021. At 16 I got a small tattoo; at that time I thought I had experienced an abyss, wanting to condense all the pain into the pattern. I said, I must learn to be responsible for myself, I will still live as a person, no matter how painful, never look back. — But to this day there are still moments I can't even fool myself about. Most of 2020 was very hard. On the eve of the postgraduate exam I cried myself to sleep; the next day I took a photo of my face swollen like a pig's head, telling myself this fucking is the worst, ugliest look of your life. From the moment I entered the exam room, from now on every minute and second is only accountable to myself. — But I still would, after a weightless startled awakening, collapse into a heap, then use this frantic output way to dissolve my emotions. Planned for a long time to get another tattoo at the end of the year as a New Year's gift, signifying blooming to the point of荼蘼, sister is awesome, from now on when loving someone only love three-tenths full, from now on no more romance, only making money, from now on no more being迷三道 for anyone, not worth wasting even a bit of time. — In the daytime I hear a little sister tell her now sincere love, inside I still feel like a 🐶 splashed with cold water all over, walking carefully. Actually I want to live a bit more bravely — the world kisses me with pain, I really want to slap him. Going to shoot portraits and getting groped by the photographer, entangled afterwards. At the scene I wanted to kick his balls, but I didn't. I wanted to directly complain to his company, but I didn't. I started brainwashing myself, saying I was also pretty爽 being touched, wasn't I. My phone was stolen by a thief; the moment I noticed, the whole street was just the two of us. Like an idiot I walked over and politely asked him if he'd seen a thief, my phone was gone. He also froze, said no, then ran. I brainwashed myself, saying, I might not be able to beat that guy, what if he has a knife, don't lose big for small. Actually he wasn't even as tall as my chin. In the past I was campus-bullied, deliberately hit with a volleyball by people. I thought they probably didn't do it on purpose, and ran over to hand it back to them. Then a burst of laughter, a while later I was hit again. I stood there dazed for a while then turned and left. I brainwashed myself, they definitely didn't do it on purpose, the second time probably wasn't either. I brainwashed myself a lot. I advised myself to just do my own things well, don't make trouble for myself; I told myself, you did the right thing, no need to waste time on garbage; I think they will have their retribution, I myself just need a clear conscience. — Actually I just didn't dare — where does such low self-esteem come from, hurt a thousand times over, the knife is right in front of me, I make excuses that stabbing them gives me no benefit either. Actually I just don't even dare reach out to take it. Running in the morning, step by step, wanting to crush those past selves. The timid and cowardly ones, the ones who lost their heads, the ones who didn't know how to refuse, the self-deceiving ones, and the self-loathing ones. I find that eighty percent of the烦恼 in life comes from causeless self-blame, and from believing others' causeless accusations inside. Then I start self-doubt and self-loathing. — From now on it will be different. One foot crushing one讨厌 self — really fucking爽. After running a few steps I discover, aren't the essence of these thoughts still self-loathing? I have been trying to learn to become smarter, trying to learn self-protection. Writing things here today is also wanting to reflect and learn again — but writing and writing, it seems I'm still not very smart. I no longer believe in many things, and I no longer believe a lucky girl has someone to protect her, so she never needs to learn. You think in your heart how much malice he can shield you from, he more or less has a probability of being that malicious to you. I learned risk management, yet I still didn't manage my own heart. — But I am willing to believe, these things, like any knowledge, if you want to learn you will definitely be able to learn, and it's never too late to learn. Not some native family, not some childhood shadow. A few years, a few things, a few people are all passersby — why should they affect a whole life, unless you yourself are willing to be affected and pity yourself. I'm tired of writing, not so unhappy anymore. I won't delete it, for my future self to see. Maybe she will feel the 2020/21-year-old self was still strong, endured quite a lot, quite proud. Maybe she will feel this is just a small animal beginning to discover she has a victim mentality — also quite cute. In life, in the circle, some people accompany me in fooling around, some people want me to babysit, some people fool around with me. Thank you. Each one grows me, on different levels, more or less, hurting or itching. But there's still more luck — the善意 of giving charcoal in the snow and the情义 of long companionship, the people who stay and the road ahead, I will cherish them with all my strength.
Almost a month without eating desserts, The moment I bit into the Napoleon, I blushed like a first kiss😮
“In the capital market, you must believe in human nature.”
The sky's gentleness, the earth's gentleness, like you holding me
Images and text randomly matched, in pain to the point of collapse.
Meaningless waiting and expired gentleness
Liking being in university is because I like squandering: Getting up at ten in the morning, carrying a big pile of clothes to the laundry room, chatting and laughing with the auntie for a couple of sentences, then because my Mandarin is standard, helping pick up the vegetable-selling loudspeaker and recording 'It is forbidden to wash socks, underwear and panties in the washing machine'. At noon going to eat malatang, ordering medium spicy, watching a mystery novel while eating, sometimes also listening to the fifty-something proprietress of the malatang shop tell her jianghu tales. Putting on my favorite clothes, doing a little makeup, walking back and forth from the east gate to the west gate, doing ring toss at a few small stalls, drawing a lottery, joining the fun — walking for almost half a day. On the way to the library I saw cherry blossoms and peach blossoms blooming, decided to go back to the dorm to get my camera, suddenly felt the sunlight was just right, then put down my schoolbag, slowly aired my quilt on the platform, came back, and slept in bed with my clothes on. When I woke up the sky was already dusk. I remembered I still had clothes at the laundry room; when I went, I found the clothes neatly folded in the basket, dried, comfortable and warm with the smell of sun. The little cat at the door never cares about others watching, only looks at its own distance. Swiping my face to leave the school gate to eat boboyu — slowly, accidentally eating too much, feeling my mouth lacked the taste of carbonated drink. I bought a can of iced cola, tilted my head and took a big gulp — bone-chilling and tingling, and it made my throat sore, but it was really damn爽. Going to a small shop to buy a few favorite little things, carrying them and wandering back to the dorm, seeing people organizing wild disco dancing downstairs at the dorm building. Using awkward Sichuan dialect to greet the dorm auntie loudly — the auntie said she had made white fungus soup and invited me to her room to drink it. Back at the dorm I changed into new sheets and quilt cover, used a mite remover to sweep back and forth, my eyes kept watching the small box, trying hard to prove I really sucked up many mite corpses. My brain started to feel my body itch. I swiped my student card and took a hot shower. My roommate screamed that her thesis was almost finished when suddenly the file got corrupted. I gave her a little tip to go to Taobao to find a computer repairer — in no time the matter was resolved. Finally, very satisfied, I did skincare in front of the mirror, ready to go to bed and sleep naked. At this moment my mood was extremely satisfied: I want to sleep early and get up early every day, eat light food, happily greet every passerby, drink lots of water, make the dorm clean and tidy, try hard to help others, become sunshine~! I just wrote this passage, and it's almost one o'clock. Then I'll start sleeping early and getting up early tomorrow!
In summer I want to go to the Arctic Circle to bask in a day and a night of sun
Daejeon's cold, damp weather always makes people feel lonely and sad Clearly I brush my teeth carefully every day, yet I still get cavities; clearly I stopped eating spicy food, yet my wisdom tooth still inflames Clearly I carefully nurture my stomach, yet I still get gastroenteritis cold, Shivering in the quilt feels like being terminally ill
The key to playing Yao well is, when you're hurt on someone else, you must learn to jump down yourself
Something quite upsetting is that the Kindle I've used for three years suddenly couldn't turn on half a year ago, and just as a new model came out I bought a new one. Today, half a year later, on a whim I charged it for a while, and it turned on at once, completely fine. Starting to doubt my own intelligence — would've been better if it hadn't turned on😓
Xiaoming studies Computer Science at Tsinghua, Xiaohong studies Quant at MIT, Xiaozhang does mergers and acquisitions at Goldman Sachs, Xiaowang is a management trainee at Alibaba, I'm at home doing baking. We all have bright futures.
I still dream of blue scales growing all over my arms, inexplicably, yet I tell myself it's a sacrificial tattoo. I still dream of cruel schemes, twisted disputes, lost gentleness, and broken dignity. I still dream of my own timid appearance, dream of facing alone too many unknown fears. I still dream of the causeless malice and undisguised aggression in many people's nature. I still wake up with a start, my heart suddenly going half cold, then beating wildly and irregularly nonstop; I still bury my head in the quilt, fantasizing that living is slowly descending from a hillside, but there's a clean and neat way to solve the problem — just jump off the cliff and die. Then a ray of sunlight shines in — a rare sunny day in Daejeon. Many gloomy, moldy corners in my heart are also spread out under the sunlight. To be reasonable, however much loss I can bear, that's how much gain I can carry. I can be indifferent to things that harm me, and I can also erupt with great power under a goal that's only good for myself. It's just that I'll be a bit sad, dreaming of the blue scales growing on my body, and only when I wake do I recall that I did nothing wrong — it wasn't a tattoo I deliberately got, it just grew there for no reason, no reason needed. But it doesn't matter. I know the manic phase has begun.
At the very beginning I felt that what creates oneself is only the surrounding environment and the surrounding people, and the childhood environment had fortunate aspects, and also gave me many love-lacking, insecure personality traits. Later I experienced some things, changed a series of environments, and understood how to adapt to the surroundings and the people around, understood to do my best to make my environment better. Until one day I began to understand that not all environments can be influenced or changed; I began to understand that when you feel maladapted and unhappy in a situation, it's most likely not your own incompetence. And people can hardly avoid systemic risks — unconsciously they get熏染 by the environment; many times whatever level the environment is, you will slowly 'return' to the average level of the environment. So learning to 'walk on', learning to find soil that can nourish oneself, became the most important lesson I learned last year and this year. Cherishing one's youth and value is not about whether people around recognize it or cherish it, but about one's own cherishing and valuing, constantly giving and taking. Finally I understood: in life, solitude and freedom are rare — one heart, one realm, seeking self-growth, attracting like-minded people to walk together; if there are none, savor loneliness.
People who don't講武德 (play by the rules): them treating you badly is their problem; if you still choose to keep interacting with them, then that's your own problem.
Nothing interesting The point is to learn to be self-sufficient
It really low-ed me (cringed me out)
Love is like the tide — isn't it because desire is like the ocean.
Testing human nature is really the stupidest thing. Also out of boredom, coming back after a few months and seeing the circle is still this circle — I don't know if the same batch of people played it rotten and changed IDs, or the environment just shapes human nature and relationships like this. Looking around I find it laughable, and I laugh at my past self too. The most direct principle between people is, you respect me one chi, I respect you one zhang — just that little thing. No sincerity, taking crooked paths, scheming petty tricks, things that are low-class and not worth looking at — everyone is almost seventy or eighty and your vision is still here, I really find it pitiful. The jianghu originally has no grudges; cry, laugh, part and don't owe each other is fine. Everyone walk your roads well, be careful with fire and candles.
The last time I came here was last time. Today I'm very free, browsing the web and watching videos, and I actually saw a little sister I met on the app many years ago. Face shown, fully nude, still cn, tied (bang) to a chair, more than 20 minutes. From the dialogue it seemed she was livestreaming, maybe screen-recorded by someone. The little sister herself knew she was being broadcast; she said she was willing. At that time she was not yet 18. I felt quite touched inside. I wanted to come find her, see how she's doing now, but couldn't find her. I saw most of the familiar IDs from back then have vanished; a few accounts are still here. The last time I came to this app, and contacted the circle, was probably over two years ago. Severe depression and anxiety, brokenness everywhere, life was a mess. I can't figure out whether I chose that kind of life back then, or that kind of life chose me. I only feel extremely fortunate, extremely heartbroken. And now I only dare to look back with an outsider's mindset. People always say a light boat has passed ten thousand mountains — people do grow up; thinking about it feels truly incredible. Many dim emotions mixed together, hard to explain clearly. That little sister — I hope everything is well with you now.
After a full two years, back on this app again. I looked at the posts I wrote before and recalled my own journey here. Marking this