I am astonished at her sober indifference, yet I sneer at how much better I can be, in my bones flows the same gene of defection. Ten years of hysteria, now only silence remains.
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Based in: Japan · Osaka. Tree hole diary, updated as fate allows. === Money-obsessed lowly corporate slave Every day happily loving myself Height 120cm Weight 200kg Capricorn
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Life is not going well, work is not going well, I haven't written a small essay here for a long time. Predecessors said, I should not write, I should bury all words in my heart. I really should not write, I also don't know where to put my soul to wander, my worthless, meaningless thoughts. I cried, this is a good news, because the last time I cried was at the beginning of the month. I'm living very poorly, this is an objective fact, I locked myself in the entertainment world,妄想 to escape reality, so for a whole month, I really didn't cry again. Actually I've always been inferior, no matter what I do, I'm inferior, even though I work hard to live, but I know, it seems everyone can come and accuse me. I am a weak and incompetent person, I know my nature clearly, so in all real social occasions, I'm always very polite, always considerate of others. I cried bitterly on countless late nights, I questioned, a person who since childhood was beaten and fought back would be scolded, a person who was abandoned by the world long ago, how can they become a strong person in the secular sense, how can they return to mainstream society, I can't find the answer, no one can tell me how far this road is, how to walk this road. I am a very failed person, at the age of twenty-five, I clearly realize this, no matter from which level. In these five months, I had moments of pain to dissociation, many desperate moments. Someone said extreme negativity leads to positivity, I think there is no positivity coming, because I am a wild grass rotten from the root, no matter how the outside fertilizes, I've already rotted. Tonight I really want to hurt myself, I can't find a reason, the final reason I thought of is just, I live too much like a failure, I have not one thing I can do well, not one thing I can accomplish, such despair gives me a kind of urgency. If I can by sacrificing my life, complete a thing that very few people can complete, that大概 can prove, I'm not that bad. I疯一般 have such delusions, I want to know what kind of script my life is. I know I have not gotten better, I just learned silence and adaptation, becoming numb in endless pain. I can't even force myself to go to a psychological clinic anymore, because I, like everyone, scold myself as a pile of mud that cannot be supported on a wall. Sometimes I don't understand, S this attribute seems naturally带 with criticism and scolding, like my father, forever only scolds me as brain-damaged and mentally retarded, yet never told me how to become smart. I am hard to be understood, I think, my depression is not accepted by people, just like my happiness is not accepted by people. As a child every time I was happy, my parents would be unhappy. Because they felt忧愁, they expected I could become a dragon or phoenix, could be mature and steady, rather than like a child. Every time my smile would be accompanied by my parents' sighs. Gradually, I felt happiness is a sin, praise is also a sin. I don't want to卖惨, actually, someone once said, suffering after eighteen is all caused by myself. My fault is not changing my mindset, my fault is… actually I'm also making excuses for myself. Today I read a copy, it touched me greatly, a person with disabled legs, family taking her out is inconvenient in all kinds of ways, she said family complains about the weather, complains about the driver, only never blames her. The comment section said, heavy rain is the weather's fault, marked as can take orders but refusing is the driver's fault, and disabled legs is not her fault, she doesn't need to receive any blame. I have never, never heard anyone say this to me. From my severe depression at 15, until now, ten years, never has anyone said to me, in today's situation, I can forgive myself. Parents said they've already apologized, what more do I want. Yes, what more can I do, what more do I want, just silence. At first I would defend myself, I tried to talk, talk about the despair of these three thousand six hundred days and nights, talk about without seeing a doctor, without taking medicine, how I got through alone, but. But I have nothing to talk about anymore, after eighteen, I really can't blame anyone anymore, the person I can hate is only myself, only myself. I originally persuaded myself to be happy, but now like this is also pretty good, I finally cried freely and freely wrote a terrible diary. I know there will never be salvation here, what I write here will become sharp knives stabbing me in the future. My words will teach others how to harm me. What a cold and miserable world this is, filled with violence, accusations, abuse, pain, despair, even without the right to shed tears. Even if broken into渣, must forcefully support, otherwise will be destroyed into powder by people. Yet in such a world, there grows a sensitive and fragile heart, such punishment is really suffocating. I just admire myself, the following words, I will not delete anymore, if one day I decide to leave this world, these essays, I will organize them, post them online, the name will be, Book of Despair. Actually from fifteen to twenty-five, scattered essays, at least wrote over a million words, I didn't save them. But perhaps now it's still in time, from twenty-five to thirty-five, perhaps my mission is, to write a book of despair. As for these words, will become testimony to destroy me, then destroy it. These desperate words, how are they not an accusation against the past twenty-five years. To judge me, to destroy me, please come as you please, anyway, anyway I've always been alone, and always had nothing. If at the time of extreme pain, there's no way to treat, no way to relieve pain, even venting is a mistake, then let me be wrong. If destined I am to be accused, to be鄙视, then let me this trash, freely be myself.
Unintentionally I flipped to your avatar again, and our chat records, I don't know what I'm reminiscing about until today, it's winter again, every time I hear the song Northeast's East, tears want to fall, originally once warm things will also gradually become cold. I repeatedly think where I went wrong, and regret that I shouldn't have not坚持ed, but at that time, I also had emotional dissociation, really unable to maintain the relationship anymore. In the cabinet there's still the winter clothes you bought for me, your matching plush pajamas, you always insisted on pink, you always wanted to dress me up cuter. At the door rack are the fleece gloves you bought for me, you were afraid my hands would be cold riding to work in winter. On the wall hangs your backpack, the day I returned to Osaka, you stuffed a full backpack of snacks for me, you like family, kept filling foods you thought I'd like to eat for me. It's just I don't know how to contact you, I can be sure, I miss you so much, and am so ashamed of my behavior. People shouldn't look back, we should both move forward. I restrained the urge to message you many times, although until now, I always narcissistically think, with you, perhaps I always have a few parts special, in these separated times, perhaps you will also for a moment think of me. But it seems such sadness is meaningless, your world is very wonderful, and I am that person who always hides in a dark corner,渴望 to have all of you. I'm not a qualified friend, I think. I'm still jealous, I don't know why I would be jealous of those two boys, jealous of your other friends, but it seems understandable, many people suspect I'm a lesbian toward you, I don't know how to explain, but our friendship is indeed deformed. I also don't know if this counts as yandere, or as that person said, my feelings for you are just a projection onto a perfect persona, once you betray this persona, I will pua you for not doing well enough. Until now, I can finally好好 look at these shortcomings of mine, blindness is real, willfulness is real, always not cherishing others' giving is also real. Actually in my fate, many people have extended a helping hand to me, although they didn't get any feedback. Essentially, I am a selfish ghost, even more a vampire, the love and material I once obtained were too scarce, causing me to desperately suck blood from people around me to fill my own void. Now I want to slap myself, because this道理, someone once was困 to the extreme, still forced themselves to tell me, but at that time I couldn't understand. Couldn't understand, this is a very悲哀 reality, in my past life, many people tried to point out my problems, I didn't not listen, but found it hard to understand. Until I write this passage, I have such a moment seeming to suddenly understand why my ex didn't want to give to me anymore. He费劲 tried to tell me, what others give me is too easy, I won't cherish it, nor will I truly be satisfied, because sucking blood will never be as lasting as making blood myself, my void only I myself can fill. But this道理 is so hard to understand, even though I wrote it out, at this moment, I'm somewhat half-understanding, but I seem to have for a moment realized something. It has nothing to do with attributes or the kink circle, but in the dimension of life, I cannot be a vampire, cannot through letting others be good to me satisfy my need to be loved, such a model is not lasting. I must abandon this route, and instead start from self-love to satisfy my need to be loved. It's just a momentary feeling, this道理, I大概 will need a long time to comprehend. I'm not a very smart person, sometimes, the words they say, I need a long time to understand, and always quickly forget. But at this time, I seem to have a trace of释然 again. Words spoken to me on June 1st, only on October 1st did I start to slowly understand, this reflex arc is indeed a bit long.
At a young age I cooked such perfect fried egg turkey noodles
Today I finally hardened my heart and deleted all past chat records and screenshots, thinking about it, the past is the past, there's no need to look back, in the future all will be brand new life. In the new year, exercise my ability to turn the page, put my attention on new things, no longer ruminate on those painful pasts.
Living a kind of days that sounds like I want to cry
Birthday this day just happens to meet a supermoon, I heard wishes made are more likely to come true～
As a player of RimWorld and The Sims 4 I want to say time really is根本 not enough Just looking through mods once takes half a day Opening the game is noon twelve o'clock Looking up at the time again find it's three in the morning If not for being hungry with stomach pain even food would be saved Really a person growing on a liver
I think I'm not rational, so I got such a result Think about it I didn't lose anything, similarly I didn't gain anything This is a pretty good ending
Anyone want to stably play Stardew Valley online together! Shy 〃∀〃 Switch version, hope once connected can keep playing Together build a dream farm I super like farming and fishing
Haven't returned to record daily life for a long time, returning to my hometown to live these two or three months can be said to be carefree, every day very happy. Originally wanted to conventionally look back on the past year, yet felt it unnecessary, because I've already stood in the new year, my hand has already firmly grasped the thread of the future. Although still afraid of pressure, still anxious, but many feelings are gradually changing. I think, no matter what, this year will be better than before, this is not a wish, but a certainty after self-awareness. I wasted nearly a year of time, to feel failure, pain, suppression, or loneliness, fear… Until I can bravely face these emotions, calmly accept that I'm just a very ordinary ordinary person, calmly accept that my past pain has no meaning, suffering has no meaning. This letting go. Makes me feel relaxed. I still can't handle intimate relationships well, I suspect like this, still can't distinguish lies and truth, still can't distinguish if it's love or pua, this indeed makes me afraid, but fortunately, I chose to let myself go. I don't need to distinguish true or false, good or bad anymore, I choose to let nature take its course, I frankly love, also frankly separate, I don't avoid my own defects, nor ignore my own purity. Of course, the best news is大概, I started to love myself. I no longer resist showing my real self in life, a child with a mental age of only teens, likes cute cartoon avatars, likes all萌萌 things, likes to act coquettishly, cheat, throw tantrums and roll around, willful and spoiled in my own world. This me that others don't accept, I started to accept and like. A friend said it's just like this, a person whose mental age is how many years old should show how many years old they are, rather than pretend to be an adult. Those annoying accusations, those awful belittlements, go to hell, I think, I just want to be myself, I want to write my own life answer. Therefore I often feel happy again, the people by my side in limited gathering time, love me this child so dotingly. I even started to forgive my own binge eating, lust, overconsumption, lack of love, money worship, because someone once briefly read me, these are just pathological bad habits I temporarily cannot defeat alone. I think, if it were the previous s, he would definitely shake his head and sigh saying this fool of mine is finished. I shouldn't indulge myself like this, shouldn't condone myself like this, I should strictly require myself to grow, to escape the current quagmire, otherwise I will be doomed eternally. Such warnings always hang in my heart, like a Sword of Damocles that doesn't know when it will fall. Until I finally had the courage to take this sword down. Uncle, strong people cannot be taught, just like the road of life, no matter how others replace you, the beach will never leave footprints. Only if I walk myself, even if crooked, even if only a few scattered steps, those are also my footprints. I will be responsible for each of my choices, and also responsible for my whole life. Therefore, I can fully express the views I want to express, walk the road I think is correct. Of course, perhaps in social status, or material wealth accumulation, I am far less than you, but after realizing these, I think we have no difference at the personality level, we are equal. This is also the reason I started gradually becoming happy, I am no longer a puppet of any thought, but as an independent person walking in this world. I have my own joys, anger, sorrow and happiness, also have my own persistence and choices, I have my own ideals and beliefs, also have my own compromises and helplessness. I love this messy life, I also have the courage to sort out my own life. I think, if you saw me now,大概 you could also feel, my long hair that was always knotted has finally been combed open, like all the knots in my heart in the past. Actually I can rarely think of the past anymore, in the new year, I hope I can find a good job, also hope I can as expected, try to complete a New Year goal. 2026, keep it up (✧∇✧)
Eating vegetarian, chatting erotic
Today I went to the hospital, after listening to my needs, the doctor said it might be cyclothymic disorder, currently it hasn't reached the degree of bipolar II. I don't want to take lithium carbonate, the last time I took it I vomited every day dizzyingly, fortunately this time the doctor also prescribed vitamins to relieve the vomiting feeling. Actually the medicine I truly need and depend on may only be lorazepam. I said I have insomnia, when I got a whole box of lorazepam, I only felt at ease. A friend said this is drug dependence, I only know that when I'm most collapsed taking it can make me calm and rational again. These days every day it hurts a lot, my whole body hurts a lot, but I've become very brave, I don't know if it's a hypomanic period, or I really realized that if a person doesn't change they will die. I'd rather it be the latter, but I understand my own rotten character, I'm probably the former. I don't know if I should forgive myself, the doctor said it wasn't me who ruined myself, but mental illness hurt me. I am still praying, yet I don't care whether God responds, I think, perhaps because of a莫名 faith, God won't bring suffering I cannot bear onto me, I only need to find in these sufferings a road leading to my future. I have no time to look back, nor time to纠结, I just want to keep walking forward like this. Victim, mental illness, or loser, all the identities I hate and make me uncomfortable, I want to粉碎 them, want to achieve a brand new self. Get used to another kind of pain, a pain completely different from before, try to find happiness in such pain, also try to challenge myself in such pain, until the day as I wish.
After stopping exercise for two days, my period blood volume finally decreased. I feel my kitten and I both have a bitter feeling, every night I first take my medicine then hold it to take its medicine. Today I interviewed for a new media job, still felt it's too involuted, salary low, pressure high, no rest, heard the company has several hundred people, I feel I'm indeed a waste who can't stand pressure, so although I passed the interview, I don't plan to join. Suddenly I recall myself at this time last year, every day after work still had to continue overtime, could only rely on super spicy Malatang + iced carbonated drink + cream puff such a combination to relieve pressure. New media work sounds glamorous, but may indeed not be suitable for slow-paced people like me. Another online sales job although has no five insurances, after regularization the base salary is quite good, weekly rest 1.5 days, I feel happiness will be higher, at least off work is really off work, although without performance I'll definitely worry, but dealing with people is always easier than死磕 with platform traffic rules. In the last two days I don't know why, some people who didn't contact before inexplicably started messaging me, I really don't understand, in my world they've already turned the page into the past tense. Eating return grass (getting back with an ex) such behavior is really off-putting, especially after I started a new life. To be honest I'm still very confused, want to know how to make money, how to have a decent job, but after thinking and thinking, I still decided to do the current job well, live each current day well. I really want to be inexplicably favored by the God of Wealth, I want to believe I have enough ability, keep learning, keep improving, until I can become an adult who can stand alone. These two days my mood is somewhat decadent, fortunately a few days ago at the highest point of emotion I went to the hospital, so the current emotional low point is not very serious. Just somewhat unhappy, on such a night, I feel eating some fried skewers is really happy, and I also really want to eat some sesame sauce tripe. But reality is, I even have to throw away sour and spicy potato shreds, let alone meat. I feel very sad, why only through effort can I live the most ordinary life of others. But I didn't think of giving up, craving is really craving, but thinking of a video I swiped before, saying losing weight is a person's first fate change. I don't want to live the old days anymore, don't want to look back either, I want a brand new life. Goodbye! Days of pulling curtains and hiding in a rental house. Goodbye, nights staring at the ceiling thinking about why I'm alive. In the future I don't want to smile awkwardly at people anymore.
Those bosses who make employees at morning meetings say good, very good, excellent, the company is the best, are they psychologically twisted? I really can't stand this kind of company, worked two days and quit, really sick.
Who dares to slander Osaka? Then I will slander together with you.
To be honest I feel I'm so useless, a year without work, this year I did nothing, only play with my phone and stay up late, really such a failure, wasted a whole year.
Finally have time to write a diary, only to find I've already missed the chance for the live room lottery, it's okay, haha, unknowingly I've been on Shengmo for more than seven years. Thinking of the year I just played Shengmo, I was still in senior year of high school, hiding in the back row of the classroom, secretly using my phone during evening self-study to browse Shengmo for gossip, in a blink I'm already an old auntie who graduated from university four years ago, truly time flies. I still remember my eighteen-year-old self, confused, at a loss, unable to see my future, feeling I'm useless, in the future I won't find any job, can only become someone else's lifelong sub slave. I study poorly, I've always been inferior, I can't memorize English words, can't solve math problems, can't understand the ghostly scribbles of physics, chemistry and biology. I don't look pretty either, even quite fat, breasts sagging. I have no special skills, I can't sing, can't draw, can't even write novels. I'm like a person whose all windows were closed by God, groping alone in a dark room. Such fear accompanied my whole adolescence. Until now I still feel inferior, inferior about my appearance, inferior about my ignorance. 25 is a very special year, I somewhat regret why I listened to that person's suggestion before, deleted all the posts from that period. When a person walks out of a state, they will start to无比 want to understand what their past self was thinking. But I think, perhaps I don't need to look, I won't mock any stage of myself as stupid, I will only heartache the past and hug that confused and helpless self. Shengmo is my diary, it was in the past, it is now, and it will be in the future. I start to accept people's differences, for me, writing a diary is decompression, is release. Today at the company I worked overtime from 9 to 9:30 at night, today my daily salary is one hundred yuan, I have no social insurance, no bonus, and no overtime pay, my twelve and a half hours are worth one hundred yuan. I always deliberately avoid myself from内卷 (involution), but I don't know why, I will still be persuaded by colleagues who joined at the same period not to be too内卷. I know very well what I'm doing, just like those late nights of overtime before, I don't need to do this, I could perfunctorily get by, everything as usual, carelessly, throw problems to my leader. But I didn't, I did every job of mine to the extreme I could do, this is not to please the leader, but to give myself an answer. Every job I do is a job with a monthly salary of three thousand yuan, not exceeding four thousand yuan. A bottom-level worker like me, working with such a mindset, is as ridiculous as Don Quixote charging at windmills. But I indeed work like this, I enjoy every result of mine, every interview, I always confidently state my past, because those are all my results, without any falsification. I'm not a smart person, for one scene image I spent five hours to barely generate two, in the time others do ten shots, I only did four or five or even fewer. So I even more want to desperately work hard to learn, learn how to be faster. Honestly, I don't know the future of AI manhua dramas, some say it's a joke, some say it will become more and more common. But I know I do this job very happily, feeling every day's time is like sand held in my hand, flying away quickly. I started to learn to understand shots, scenes, perspectives, as the difficulty of daily work increases, what I feel is not fear, but a kind of excitement that makes my whole body tremble, because in the process of overcoming one difficulty after another, I finally saw my truly strong side inside. I'm not a very outgoing person, such a personality causes me when I encounter problems, my first reaction is to think myself, constantly reflect on which step had a problem, then optimize, then solve, then optimize, until forming my own methodology. Such a life is indeed very tiring, during the day high-intensity work at the company, at night after returning home still continue doing my own AI short videos, after adapting to work intensity, prepare to add a gym schedule. It's not a temporary兴起 either, actually in the first two days I just started work, when my waist hurt unbearably, I wanted to stick a plaster and go to the gym to climb slopes, later thinking still body is important. I have no goal, no belief either, perhaps the only feeling is, I should quite like doing AI manhua dramas, although the process is very painful, the new people who came with us were six, until today, only me and another girl remain, she told me she doesn't want to do it anymore, waiting for the company to fire her. That is to say until today, six new people only I myself remain, and大概 only I myself enjoy this process (but I hate overtime!). It's very late, I'm going to sleep, I want to say, tomorrow and the future always have countless uncertainties, before I entrusted illusory gods, now I believe in myself. This should not be a manic phase… I feel I'm really a牛马-type personality, as soon as I do牛马 work I'm very happy, salary not much, work quite a lot. Grow slowly, perhaps one day I will have a monthly salary exceeding five thousand yuan.
The merchant was moved all night after watching
Good good study ，day day up🤨
Hee hee, showing a little cooking skill
When collapsing again and wanting to cry just remember One error is a bug, a pile of errors can work The important thing is to be happy
Morning cold rain, night cold wind It is they that brew the spring scenery Why need orchids and chrysanthemums, vitality is always joyful
The first customized keyboard in my life, so cute!
Kitten happily gets a new toy I happily get the second customized keyboard in my life
A friend said, my writing is good, I should keep writing. But the keyboard light effect flows, until it goes out, it never waited for my tapping. What to write, write the bitterness of these years, the pain of these years. Or, write today's busyness, today's sourness. Growing up may be a gradually silent process. I feel my heart gradually becoming坦荡. Compared to being坦然, there's an extra share of courage. Sometimes I look back and think about those years, I really don't know how I got through them, So that today's days also feel sweet. To be honest, I quite like my current company. Although treatment is poor, although rest is little. But it's warm, and lively. I transferred from a gacha artist to an editing position, Every day I'm迎接着 new challenges. I don't know what to record. I also don't feel current life is hard. I just want to ask myself to work a little harder, a little harder again. No matter what, I must reach the day when the willows are dark and flowers are bright. For that day, I've pleaded with myself countless times in my heart. Before reaching the step of success, all tears are shed in vain. Only if I prove I can rely on my own thoughts to change my life, My output, my expression will have value. Theory without practice is just empty talk on paper. Today there was a moment I suddenly wanted to be loved. I suspect I'm hungry, I ordered a portion of fried skewers. Price a little luxurious, taste very delicious. My thinking always jumps like this and has no logic. I think all the beautiful things in the world are indeed expensive. I want money, I also need money. So I want to learn, knowing it can make money is enough. I want to change myself, change my life. I can't read books in, but I will work hard to read some. Maybe this way I can become a little smarter. I'm not the literary type of person. I recall on the way home last night, A very cool evening wind rose. I rode an electric bike, shuttling through traffic. In my headphones single loop was Extreme Evil City. It's just such moments. I can't describe them in words. Destruction is salvation. Countless destructions, countless reconstructions. Until my castle brick by brick is my masterpiece. No one can push it down anymore. I want to change to a different life, this is my only idea.
Yesterday was still manic phase, in a blink it's depressive phase, this feeling is hard to evaluate, like emotional usury, all the happiness enjoyed must be repaid double. And I don't even have the strength to question myself, socializing every day is so tiring, I just want to hide in my own shell, just turtle-shrink like this forever.
Pain is a very strange feeling It takes four years to put down a habit And to pick up a habit again only needs one emotionally collapsed night I started hurting myself again, but… To be honest, every day I'm very happy But there are always those moments My world is suddenly submerged by overwhelming sadness I can't control my behavior Fortunately hold on one more day, as long as one more day The day after tomorrow I can see the doctor Today I independently completed my first manhua drama work Although the process was full of坎坷, the sense of accomplishment is full Today I also made potato corn stewed pork ribs Tomorrow my work buddy will bring me Osaka twisted dough sticks And a super cute Love and Deepspace doll I should be happy, I think But in the gaps of these happiness I am immersed in sadness at all times I don't want to test the lithium concentration in my blood I take lithium carbonate on time every day I grow hard, I fight negative emotions hard The doctor said I should accept myself, rather than fight I don't know, I only know I should add antidepressant medicine But I don't want to complain about anyone, nor do I think I'm pitiful Life is very hard, but I think contentment brings happiness Before I always said hate Actually hating and hating, what I hate is just my nowhere-to-resolve emotions Hating that on sunny days I always have a heart seeking death But I think life is not always bad things At least I can cook a pot of hot pork ribs to fill my stomach
Recently transferred to an editing position, every day very busy, life very fulfilling Last week went to the hospital, should be blood lithium concentration not enough, added a tablet of lithium carbonate Also found anemia, doctor suggested going to hematology to check, get some medicine to supplement iron So poor me of course didn't go, the pain of having no medical insurance who understands… So this week started eating breakfast every day, hope in the future my body can be better On the 15th payday, after work I took cash and put it in an envelope It's the smell of banknotes, a smell I'm very obsessed with I sincerely praise money, even though it exhausts me Tonight a person I haven't contacted for a long time inexplicably called me Said a bunch of disrespectful remarks that he thought would interest me He asked me if until now I still intend to be k7 I said of course So many years, can't count how many people have asked me like this And my answer every time is like this Of course, even though I've already accepted society and life's beatings Even though I already know this road走到 the end may lose my own life But I will still choose this road Although I already don't know if I still count as k7 like this now But fortunately my original intention is still there, just my state of mind has become calm Whatever fate gives me, I enjoy it Whatever fate takes away, I let it go Even the matter of a husband/master is like this I now completely understand why the previous S was frustrated with me for not living up to expectations With time to play in the circle wouldn't it be better to learn to make money Although currently my salary is only three thousand yuan (every time cueing myself) But I feel it's poor ghosts like me who should study making money Rather than fantasizing about playing in the kink circle To be honest I really like money I also don't want to avoid this point As long as it's reasonable, legal and can make money I can do it Because I really lack money I really hope one day I can make money (Comment section don't劝 me to leave Osaka anymore, house contract signed for two years)
I can't remember which day of switching to editing this is I only know the freshness from the beginning is gone Every day's work target has become cold minutes Yet in such pressure I felt a莫名 pleasure I don't know when I can start a side job taking orders editing videos On the way home I was thinking about what I currently lack is filming experience It's really funny to say, I don't know what I want to do in the future But I instinctively know what I lack I feel somewhat comforted, although I'm still behind the scenes I think fate will probably push me to that beach I want to go to Because I always by chance find the road I want to walk I don't know if it's because I recently added lithium carbonate My emotions have stabilized a lot, rarely collapse anymore A friend asked me, do I still need a master now like this I thought about it, for now, it seems I really don't need one For me now, time is the most precious Of course, although I always waste it playing games I haven't thought clearly whether I still want to find a master Because I saw the bills behind those so-called guidances I don't want to spend mental effort to展开 a relationship Nor do I want to empower a man I recall the last circle relationship was during New Year On one hand he said to me, it's okay, my essence is not bad On the other hand he said punishment is that he wants to cheat I can't forget that tearing feeling I无比 clearly realized no one will let me rely on them So I crawled out of despair In this circle no one truly wants to love me either Those so-called longings are just unwillingness of lust But I know clearly, this is perhaps the norm for most people Compared to before, I try to see through the secular world, but don't want to avoid it anymore Since we are all mortal flesh, then work hard to match a better partner Actually I don't enjoy walking alone that much either Watching people around me gradually have归属 I will also fantasize that a lamp in the city is lit for me I will also fantasize making delicious bento every day for him to take Of course, these all seem very far away But also not far away, for me, more often this is like a task Although I always deliberately avoid it, age always can't wait Is it that people all wake up as if from a dream at the age of twenty-five or twenty-six Start to realize the operating rules of this world
I swiped to a topic, forgiving the harm from the original family equals letting go or betraying my childhood self. Honestly, actually every time I swallow lithium carbonate, I will have an unreal absurd feeling, I am obviously such a normal person, yet every day I have to rely on medication to maintain the order of my life. Every tablet reminds me how much torment I suffered in the past. But I chose to forgive my original family, and stayed in Osaka. I also questioned myself in the middle of the night, doing this, am I worthy of my childhood self. I even maliciously thought, to torment them with the way my original family treated me, but that way I am not happy. My childhood self is just behind the door watching me, she desperately pinches her palm with her fingernails, not letting herself cry out, I know what kind of despair is in her heart. I think I can't say anything, she also can't say anything, if we really meet, we will only hug each other. All love and hate are flowing, just silently without any sound. Honestly now life is still very cruel to me, medication causes me to always be sleepy, every day very sleepy. Every day busy yet still poor, even more straitened. I also don't know if this is numbness, just like the last two times eating in bed, spilling food all over the bed, I didn't collapse nor get angry, just quickly cleaned up, but next time I will still eat in bed. I am responsible for each of my choices, pay for each of my choices, therefore I also enjoy the benefits brought by choices, bear the risks brought by enjoyment. After experiencing a series of painful things last year, I seem to suddenly become very Buddhist. Maybe because I realized, no matter how much you care about a person, you may still lose her. So I began to learn to accept, accept arrival, also accept departure, accept that from beginning to end only I alone can accompany myself through the whole journey of life.
Haven't come up to write a diary for a long time, tonight I am shrouded by a very heavy anxious emotion, or perhaps excitement, so I came up to write something, while waiting for the sedative to take effect. I think the starting point of the emotion should be swiping to a life vlog, very ordinary, a daily stocking and storage video, I forwarded it to my sister, sighing when can I stock up at Sam's, my sister said in the future we can too. I don't know from when, seeing an item / a lifestyle, I will subconsciously calculate what cost such a life needs. Just like that day walking on the road in a daze, seeing a passing car, in my heart I calculated how many years I would need to work to afford a 300,000 yuan car. A netizen asked me why 300,000, is there a car brand I really like, I said no, I don't even have a driver's license, I just think that kind of life is very good, at least it looks very good in others' eyes. During the New Year, the s I briefly dated asked me, do I care so much about being good in others' eyes, others receive transfers I also want to receive, others want something I also want, am I so obsessed with imitating all templates of happiness. I think in intimate relationships, I might be just this shallow and stereotypical, perhaps until someone can really save me from such clumsy imitation, rather than pointing at my nose and scolding me as a money-worshipping woman / idealistic fool. Growing up really is a fucking thing, as a child I always thought I was the most maverick person, now I desperately want to blend into the crowd, want to wear the word decency on my body. Because once a person realizes they need dignity, they will frantically nourish their own personality, cultivate their own independence. I rarely think about reality, I always indulge myself in Douyin and games, because once I stop, I seem to hear a clock ticking in my ear, it reminds me, my most beautiful years seem to be about to pass. I bought the skin I had envied for a long time, even can buy the game console I once dreamed of, but my troubles seem to no longer be dissolved by these joys. I need real victory, not illusory self-comfort, I need tears, I need sweat, I need to accomplish some real goals to provide myself with pleasure. I should control my emotions, I bought a desk, I can finally work all the time, my mood therefore greatly improved. The way to fight anxiety and fear is not prayer, not escape, but facing it, only by being stronger and working harder can you overcome difficulties. These words sound like chicken soup, but I think in the AI era human anxiety will only become more widespread, and what makes humans most special compared to machines is the tenacity of life. Data will give up after analyzing a low success probability, but humans will choose to go all in. Although in this era learning seems useless, I still think I should work harder, at the node of era change, it's actually like rowing against the current, doing anything casually is better than hesitating.
Company notified dissolution, I am unemployed again Starting to be anxious, collapse, somewhat helpless This situation can only be alleviated by finding a new job as soon as possible The most unacceptable is that the goals set this year may fail Unemployment time is still the worst July I swiped to some remarks by Yi Zhongtian And gradually filled with fighting spirit again In the first half of the year perhaps I didn't get much In the second half of the year I must work hard Sigh, to be honest, I didn't expect saving ten thousand yuan to be so difficult Feeling that after working for years I have not a cent left In short, this year no matter what, I will try every means to complete the goal
Today braving forty-degree high temperature to go for an interview, I felt I was the most persevering person! [Yet today I drank three big cups of lemonade in one breath, really so hot!]