In that dream I seemed to be a hunter — not clear — just an ordinary sixteen or seventeen-year-old man in the mountains who made a living chopping wood. I had a small wooden cabin; I also had a wife (should be a wife, I guess), not ugly and not pretty, but she loved me very much, took meticulous care of my food, clothing, and daily life, helped me change clothes. I accepted all of this. Day after day. I had no love for her, but I had gratitude. One day an accident happened: I encountered a tiger. Just as the tiger was about to bite me, she somehow suddenly appeared. She stood in front of me; she told me to run fast and not look back. The instinct to survive made me run desperately and mechanically, not looking back but knowing she had fallen into the tiger's mouth. The next few days, I don't know how I got through them. One afternoon, I brought some chopped wood and came to a bustling market. No one noticed me either. Until evening. The sky turned red, and a youth riding a tall white horse came toward me; he reached out his hand to me. He said: come back with me, I'll teach you martial arts, and in the future fight battles with me. I went with him. He took me to a courtyard. Only later did I know that was a prince's palace. He treated me like his own younger brother; every day we practiced martial arts in this courtyard, day after day. We finally went to fight battles together. I accompanied him and won many, many victories; I also unknowingly became a great general with illustrious military achievements. This meant we both grew old. During this period the prince, every few years, mentioned wanting to take a concubine for me. He said it's not right for you to never start a family, but I had no such thought at all; every time I refused. Never married in my life — possibly because of guilt toward my first wife. After who knows how long, I grew old and also fell ill, lying in bed. The prince — no — already the Emperor. He came to see me; he told me not to get up, and brought me a bowl of tonic. I knew this was poison; he was still wary of me, but I still willingly drank it all in one go. All these years he's been truly good to me; without him, no me. I don't blame him. This was a dream I had in my teens; it was a dream I entered after listening to a past-life/present-life hypnosis audio.
About
Based in: USA · San Francisco. Don't ask. Not looking. Small ⭕️/🚪🚘/ Refuse rushing toward each other both ways / no explanations Height 160cm Weight 43kg Sagittarius
Dynamics
8 months of heart and blood, just given up like this. But I'm free again.
Graduation ceremony. Dormmates in one dorm were going to a water park to play and celebrate — probably rowing, that kind of inflatable boat? I didn't really want to go, but planned to go along with everyone. Fortunately someone proposed not going first, going after 3 a.m. Back at the dorm I realized, adding those two or three people, more than ten people would be going; I was still thinking how to reasonably find an excuse not to go. I discovered a girl in the dorm started targeting me, like taking — instigating others to take — my bed (I definitely can't stand others sleeping in my bed and covering my quilt), and moreover that girl wiped her hand that had eaten potato chips with my quilt. My head was about to explode. How can a person be this dirty? Then soon it was time to sleep. I thought I'd just make do and sleep, after all it's the last night, not taking off clothes is fine, if really necessary just wear a coat with a hat to sleep… Then I came to my other bed space. A girl with a so-so relationship but familiar manner taught me how to refuse. So refusal is that easy. Soon she thought she'd finished teaching me and went to find the girls she's close with, and they left. And that girl who disliked me did more things to offend me and said things that enraged me. I used all kinds of wooden sticks and boards to smash her hard; the boards smashed on her body. She was beaten and ran away. But not long after, somehow she came back again. She instigated a new girl to snatch my pillow, telling that girl: she's very easy to talk to, just ask her for it. (Rough meaning) That girl very carefully asked me. Seeing her careful look, I said: I don't use a pillow, and threw the pillow to her. She happily thanked me. The girl who dislikes me quickly said: see, I said she's very easy to talk to. She's a cat (the initials), then smiled sarcastically. (She doesn't know anything, she just purely wants to find ways to block me/make me uncomfortable.) I — then I don't remember what happened. I again used boards and sticks to desperately smash her a second time, but I knew she would again devise ways to find all kinds of trouble for me. I didn't want to see her again; seeing her gives me a headache. I thought: I decided to go online and check — if I don't attend the graduation ceremony, can I graduate smoothly? Then I woke up.
People will spend money, spend time, and suffer a thousand cuts and ten thousand scrapings for the things they long for.
Lived so many years and still don't know how to deal with people Entering a relationship means definitely being bullied No one ever taught me how to interact with people without being bullied I only get it a beat late, belatedly When I feel the other party's offending heart and their inch-grabbing Afterward fear, stress response, overreaction Then everyone thinks I'm going crazy, a neurotic I myself don't even remember how my childhood grew up Clearly I can be certain I have not experienced sexual assault or sexual harassment It shouldn't be like this Or, did I grow up under violence? Maybe. Otherwise, clearly my own home I still always feel like I'm living under someone else's roof, not wanting to get close Many children from single-parent families have healthier personalities than me I already feel he's trying to bully me But the others I met weren't any better either I know his fondness for me is not small But I also clearly know it's because he values my Rigidity and dullness — behind which is cleanliness and looking cheap to maintain I really have no money now, can't make myself look expensive Precisely because of this, to date me, he has enough patience Anyway whatever the result, he profits I feel it's very sad now as it is As much as I attract him, that's how much I don't attract him
Comment and draw one for the present. Mhm.
Can a person die directly in a nightmare Counting to the 100th, I fell from the bed in the dream My consciousness was a bit clear My consciousness faded on the way home from work I don't know why it was an alley I saw the sky darken; I called my sister to link arms with me; she linked arms with me But the sky still darkened; I felt deep fear Ahead were a few strangers; I was afraid, a bad premonition Then my vision went black, and I fell down I knew I'd fallen into a nightmare Just on the way home from work, the sky was dark. Was it raining? Before walking to the alley, before my consciousness faded I thought of returning to the workplace to sleep at the boss's house But it was only him alone; if I went it'd be a lone man and woman I thought of this layer, but still wanted to go sleep at the workplace Not because whatever happens doesn't matter But because I just especially firmly trust he wouldn't Not only wouldn't he, he could also make me feel safe After falling, after I realized it was a nightmare I had just counted to 100 My younger brother helped me think of a way. He saw the hot oil from others cooking Helped me pour it on my body trying to wake me. I screamed loudly But I didn't wake up, though my consciousness woke Then a few seconds later I woke up
Discovered that, for couples who've been together for many years, the one who, after separating, openly and covertly resents and even condemns the other party to the outside world, is反而 the one who played cute, acted coquettish and took all the advantages. Sunk cost doesn't participate in major decisions. The person who kept giving their heart and blood and in the end couldn't bear the former's high demands and chose to leave and cut losses in time doesn't want to mention a single word. They only hope for a good parting, that the other party lives their own life well, and that there's no more involvement.
He gave me a little 🐶 I'm a person who fears trouble The little 🐶 was of course taken care of by my parents This care lasted over a year My parents were busy with business; the little 🐶 was raised casually It got a disease I don't know if it's under the mouth or on the chest, leaking water/blood So the little 🐶 kept dirtying wherever it went This is something I only realized when I realized I especially love him Friends matched us up and had me confess Actually I had already rejected him Even "friends" aren't unbridled I endured, restrained, pretended nothing was wrong Too uncomfortable Why did I only discover it now Whether it's that I love him, or that my little 🐶 is suffering In the dream I don't remember his feelings for me Nor gave him the option to accept or reject me A close friend's dinner gathering — I don't know why he was always there When I was forced to admit my love for him (But also expressed it has nothing to do with him) He also didn't embarrass me Gently, attitude unreadable. I don't need him to have an attitude either I just thought of the little 🐶 and felt especially uncomfortable My parents and employees — what are they doing Would rather forever follow behind the little 🐶 cleaning up disturbances Than treat its disease? I held my little 🐶 I realized it was me who wronged it What was I thinking earlier? Why didn't I take it with me by my side? Why haven't I treated its disease until now? Why let it be tormented and suffering all along? I decided to take it to the hospital, Cure the disease, let it be a normal little 🐶 Spend all my money and I won't hesitate Because I know I will depend on it for life from now on I ask for nothing else I'm already utterly content I'm just sad that because of my negligence and carelessness I let it suffer much more Because it's the little 🐶 he gave me I will love it forever Love it as much as myself I love it so much, especially love it Woke up
Never bully myself, always be on my own side, always protect myself, always first ensure I'm comfortable and at ease.
But not my type Suddenly remembered a flight attendant I met many, many years ago Very handsome. If I must say, the only flaw is his head is a bit big That influencer-face kind where anyone can see he's handsome At a glance not from an ordinary cabin But not my type (but for a one-time thing I think it's OK Only because, in a situation where he knew nothing about me He said he's from the small circle — just because it's really rare to encounter I felt a bit pleasantly surprised But the meeting wasn't pleasant; it's complicated At that time I was wretchedly moving house, My clean clothes were all packed up and sent to the new place I was wearing dirty clothes, sleeping on a bed board separated by a bedsheet I refused his help with moving Because I was dressed like a migrant worker I also had something wrong with my brain (after all some things are addictive) Still actually agreed to meet. He came to my workplace to pick me up My shoes were also dirty. COVID. Eating hotpot During it he kept being considerate in all kinds of ways, serving me food and such Probably out of basic gentlemanly manners Also maybe my appetite isn't high anyway, and moreover I'm not a person who eats generously and openly He took off that kind of haute couture suit, removed his tie, removed his watch, this and that Anyway, all kinds of intentional or unintentional displays Also sprayed perfume; that scent made me a bit immersed Okay, I was a bit dizzy He let me lie on his lap (in the small circle this is nothing, right?) And I intensely felt that scent But that's not important. I sobered up quickly because Anyway, I didn't wait for the only item I thought would come He instead wanted to try doing something else He wanted to kiss me and take off my clothes; I was a bit confused I told him I wanted to go home, and he took me home In the car he still maintained considerateness, heating, asking if I was cold and such At home he asked how I felt about him I said quite good, we can get to know each other slowly (But actually I say quite good to everyone, and didn't think of contact) As said before, not my type, And moreover the small circle definitely doesn't want to mix in other things Belatedly he may have felt humiliated And said: I feel we're not suitable to get in contact. And blocked me. I OK, didn't send it. Died laughing. (Equivalent to being dressed like a migrant worker And not a traditional peerless great beauty saying I'll give you a chance to pursue me) I had originally forgotten this A few days later he opened alt accounts on several platforms to find me, Used fake photos to add me, but I simply didn't know it was him Later an accident matched it up (His main and alt account images cross-posted and exposed it, and I happened to swipe onto it…) ??? Shocked me to death; only then did I know that person was him But before I knew, I'd already blocked him for various verbal offenses… Later I bought over a hundred samples and never found that perfume… I should have asked on the spot if I'd reacted faster It wouldn't have let him misunderstand and think what I was entranced by was him
Suddenly feel the movie Deep Sea is especially amazing In any small small detail in my real dreams It all corresponds to real life. A little thought in life In dreams it will all manifest. Especially magical
Today's dream was about school bullying. Many former classmates who disliked me (male and female) found the class I'm in now. I was especially afraid, but I couldn't run away either. I experienced many moments of fear and helplessness; in my urgency I fled to the school infirmary. And I begged the doctor not to make a sound, to lock the door tightly. I tried to call the police and contact my family; those doctors wrapped my legs with bandages pretending to be a patient. Later I woke up
Had a terribly, terribly scary dream and woke A stray little orange cat came to the house My mom already has an American Shorthair But she also really liked the little orange and understood the thought of adopting it I asked her, do you want to raise a second cat? She said yes. I said okay But you must not put them in one cage She said it's fine This shows that, compared to the feelings of the two males she raises She clearly cares more about her own feelings Of course the little orange left But when I went out I saw the little orange It was so attached and trusting; it wanted to play with me But I don't know what I was thinking, I actually deliberately dropped it twice on purpose I wanted to protect the first cat's experience I felt if I brought the little orange home the big cat at home would be very pitiful The little orange was too small; after being dropped twice its lumbar spine broke The weather was still very cold; I just left it there, watching it struggle Then I walked away regardless I walked while being afraid (Both letting it not survive and afraid it would survive) Just then people came to the house. My mom asked me: did you go out to play with the kitten? I knew because I clearly had a heavy kitten smell on me I said yes Then while chatting with the others I learned that an actor's twin wife Had also rescued this little orange I saw the little orange she posted on her social app, and suddenly I especially regretted it It was so innocent, so cute, so attached Why did I hurt it? What on earth did I do? Then I kept regretting endlessly, both regretful and afraid Afraid it wouldn't recover its health Also afraid it would recover and become a cat that no longer attached to me, hates me, fears me Either way I couldn't accept it Very uncomfortable, very desperate, very regretful, very regretful I felt I must have been crazy to do such a thing Especially uncomfortable. Woke up
Someone recommend me a job Requirement 1: very busy 2: very tiring Because I've recently got this problem of panicking whenever I'm idle……
Thinking of my ex — I saw he'd added me back, said he really likes me, if I don't want to be friends that's fine too, said he got rich, said he bought a house. But I really lost interest (xia tou), so I coldly refused Result He actually said: "Speaking harsh words, you're better than anyone; actually, no one is more fragile than you!" I quickly blocked him. Scared to death — that instant my heartbeat sped up. Too inexplicable; god knows what he'll say next second that would make my toes curl even more and laugh till my stomach hurts.
A bit confused Apart from vanity-driven thinking it'd look cool (zhuang bi) to take him out And he's very good to me so I must be good to him too Have I really liked any man? Too many people say I don't like men 😭
At that time, young me, as a person in the game, still couldn't understand the weighing of pros and cons behind his unreasonable troublemaking; my head was full of: how could he pick a fight and argue over such an inexplicable trifle. I was like a bag of junk food that refuses free tasting, but he wanted to unseal it first, taste a bite, then decide based on mood whether to casually throw it away or take it home. My tears circled in my eyes. I knew, as long as they flowed out, he would soften and hold me. Fortunately I was proud. That was the best control I've ever had. He helped me put on my coat and wrapped my scarf. I smiled carelessly and said, cheer up, you can find someone better. He couldn't smile, said coldly in a low voice: you too. After a long silence he suddenly muttered to himself again: pity you just won't be with me. I still responded with silence. In the car I gave him the coat I'd bought him the day before. He said: do I still want it? I said: of course, I already bought it. He said: then don't I owe you again? I said: you bought me many things before, and I never felt I owed you. So, accept it. You don't owe me. He said okay. He said again: if you're not used to it you can still find me; if I see it I'll still reply. It's just that I may not reply instantly anymore. Of course, if later I have a new girlfriend I won't reply, I'll delete you. I said: delete whenever you want. I won't find you. If I'm not used to it I'll try to overcome it myself. Later I heard from a mutual friend that he wasn't doing well. After separating he shut himself in his room every day, not going out, not eating or drinking, not washing his face or cutting his hair, for several months. His parents were very anxious but couldn't persuade him. I smiled and said: artists take unusual paths, it has nothing to do with me. Actually I know why. It wasn't that he couldn't bear to part with me; he just couldn't accept failing to get hold of a person he looked down on — "even you deserve it?" A child from an ordinary family like mine, facing a "rich and powerful family" like his, actually didn't accept the unequal treaty that humiliates the country, didn't grovel and beg as he expected. After separating my mood was actually very good; every day I slept very deeply and soundly. But inexplicably I hated him for a long time — or more precisely, thinking of many details where he intentionally or unintentionally, as a superior with a sense of superiority, tried to humiliate me and turn me into his admirer, I was disgusted for a long time and afraid for a long time.
But sometimes I always feel maybe actually he's my unfinished assignment. So much that every time afterward when I encounter someone with the same zodiac sign as him I subconsciously, reflexively, reject and avoid.
Actually in middle school I liked a girl. That was the first and only time I proactively showed goodwill to someone to be friends. In the public's eyes she wasn't pretty, even a bit ugly, and was from the countryside; her studies weren't good either. Looking back now, the her of that time had no worldly advantages at all. But I inexplicably felt at first sight she was especially cute; everything she did was cute; seeing her and being with her made me genuinely happy and at ease. Because I liked her first, she also liked me very much, often jokingly asking me if I was a lesbian, but actually neither she nor I ever doubted my orientation. Even now I still don't doubt it. Later she was busy with online dating; I was sought out here and there by various other girls. In my heart I didn't like them but wasn't good at refusing the same sex's enthusiasm (like those married scumbags who in their hearts only have their wife but still insincerely play along with green-tea girls and don't know how to refuse). Anyway, by the time I realized I'd lost her, I'd already lost her. Toward others I also started letting things rot. But I never regretted it — I never wanted to be friends with those people; who came and who left didn't matter. From start to finish, until now, the only girl I've sincerely wanted as a friend is her. The last time we met was my graduation-advancement banquet. Yes, even though she had other better friends, I still went to her advancement banquet; later she came to mine. After the meal ended I saw her downstairs. It was raining, but not hard; I insisted on calling a car for her. She firmly refused, waved with her backpack on, and quickly ran off in the rain. I don't know what that feeling was. I've never encountered a similar feeling again. I only know, belatedly, every time I think that I've already lost her, I feel sad for a long time. Broken up many times. Thinking carefully, every time was far less upsetting than losing her. If time went back to when we first met, I would definitely stay with her all along — whichever girls sought me out, I'd ignore them all completely.
That you can realize your sense of deservingness is low Means actually your sense of deservingness isn't low at all People with truly low sense of deservingness can't realize it themselves at all
Really hate that copy about "when both people are ordinary people" Having someone who respects you and loves you Living a clean, honest life together That is not ordinary at all
Scrolling through my album I suddenly found a screenshot from 2015 This person flirted/harassed (liao sao) me and I rejected him Changed accounts and harassed me in all kinds of ways Also saved my Moments photos to threaten a meeting I directly doxxed him (opened his household registration) His name + personal information, workplace + many life photos Sent them directly to him. Said nothing. Scared him senseless..
A very pretty little girl, about ten-something years old, was sent to a very rich family as something like an employee or a child bride, to be a companion for the boss's son, who was much younger than her. But the boss's family treated her very well, allowed her to sleep very late, food and things she used were the same as everyone else's, pampering her like their own child. The little boy also treated her very well; even if she wanted to learn something, they'd find a teacher for her just like for their own child Then her parents were very unhappy, thinking she was too unrestrained at someone else's home, getting up late and enjoying learning resources and such. They told her — she seemed to understand and also seemed not to understand, but she didn't care In the blink of an eye she grew up, with a big belly. The child in her belly — no one knows whose it is. It seemed neither she herself nor others knew In a banquet hall, a very aristocratic, elegant uncle took a fancy to her with the big belly. At this time, because she was older, she seemed to already know her role as a server. She wasn't as unrestrained as in childhood. But sharing a table with the uncle, the uncle wouldn't let her serve tea or pour water. At the meal, he even pulled her onto the sofa, and himself sat on a stool to care for her. She still showed not a trace of expression — mechanical, polite, numb. She knew she didn't belong here. She knew after eating this meal she would go with this uncle. She also knew that as long as she wanted, she could go with anyone present whom she chose, because she's pretty. She just had such confidence, even though she had no brains, even though she's a pregnant woman who doesn't know whose child is in her belly What a inexplicable strange dream
Dreamed I somehow arrived at a very dirty, messy village/town, seemingly San Francisco. Those people, in order to stay in San Francisco, would rather live like beggars in this dirty messy market. Among them were lawyers and barbers; they all shared with others the second-floor hanging bunks of dilapidated warehouses I tried to find an exit, to escape, feeling that staying here I'd soon be trafficked, but I searched for a long time and couldn't find one. It's even more impossible to get a car here Finally I saw a school place. I climbed the wall and got in. Their student union people asked me what was going on. I said I want to go home — you call the police and say I trespassed, let the police arrest me, that's fine. But they insisted I interview to be a teacher as a formality, go to the kitchen on the 4th floor and stay 20 minutes, then they'd say I didn't pass the interview. Helpless, I could only find the 4th-floor kitchen. At this time an advertising spam call came, and I woke up
Remembering a girl I followed for a long time who no longer updates. When she chose to go into the sex trade (go to sea), she was supporting her boyfriend, and would affirm her boyfriend's value. At the time some people openly and covertly said she was foolish, said her boyfriend didn't love her. Suddenly thinking of this — is it possible that whether he loves her or not isn't very important? She just felt that being forced to go to sea was very splitting, and with her boyfriend existing, she'd have a corner where she could peacefully know that she's still a person with feelings and loyalty, not someone who'd do anything for money
Help — as soon as I work out my heart races and my brain gets excited. This feeling is really awful
Puzzling over what kind of people accept slaps. Most girls have to start medical aesthetics at twenty-four or twenty-five at the latest, some even earlier. Inside the face there are definitely all kinds of threads (for lifting and tightening). Whether large threads or small, threads are very fragile — wouldn't one slap break the thread?
I have a friend whose degree of socialization is 0, and whose brain is really too stupid to make money — what to do, waiting online, quite urgent (really not me, absolutely not me
Men really so, so like and approve of the so-called gold-diggers who change faces fast, can't share hardships, lick (Tian) the rich/handsome on sight, and run the moment the other party falls on hard times (although most of the time they express approval in the form of attacks or even depreciation, it's basically because they were rejected, ignored, abandoned and flew into a rage from shame) It doesn't have much to do with pretty or not. Mainly, this kind of woman is very stable and gives a sense of security — output benefits and you can keep her, which is better than unstable elements whom output benefits may not even keep. The sense of security they give is like: you know when you press this switch, you're certain the light will turn on — that kind of security And "gold-digger" isn't a mature term either; the correct term should be: high degree of socialization Before, I hated people who flatter superiors and bully subordinates. Of course now I still can't like them, but I've reached the point where I can realize that actually, people like them usually, apart from this one flaw, have almost all advantages otherwise
Dreamed I was tricked into attending a dinner, and after realizing I might have to drink, I felt something wasn't right. Before the male lead arrived, I wanted to find a chance to slip away. When he arrived in the living room, the others were preparing food and wine, and I immediately gave three reasons to insist on leaving: one, I wasn't feeling well; two, I don't drink anyway; three, I already have someone I like, so I can't stay long. Although they agreed verbally, in fact they wanted to catch me off guard and lock me into a compound. That compound's main gate had a two-layer structure — once a person is misled inside, they'd be trapped. Just as I was about to be pushed through the door, I suddenly realized the danger and rushed out violently, running toward the main gate, with her chasing right behind me. I rushed to the door and found there were three bolts on it. I frantically opened one, and she, who originally wanted to close the door to stop me, accidentally knocked off another bolt instead, which actually helped me. I don't remember the plot after that very clearly, only that I finally escaped, and then woke up with a start.
Dreamed a female classmate introduced me to a boy From being together to separating, it was all muddled Then I came back to my senses and started reflecting on myself — was I too casual? Why skip the dating step and go straight to the point at the start This boy in the dream had no concrete image at all After regretting a while I thought again: if I really am a casual person What I should do isn't restrain myself and pretend to be reserved But raise the threshold to ensure my own experience 🐿🐿🐿 That way I also won't regret The logic in the dream was quite reasonable
Dreamed the guy I was preparing to consider accepting has 3 eyes The reason was: it doesn't affect normal use My family disagreed, the reason was: even 4 wouldn't be okay Just then he hinted I should buy him a fountain pen, and I lost interest Then someone pushed a flyer in my face. I originally didn't want to take it But taking it I found it seemed to be about going to a Fangzheng exam — Fangzheng dialect gives bonus points, I was quite tempted? I prepared to go, and after that I don't remember
Dreamed of receiving a mysterious package: an exquisite fairy wand, a little horned frog, and some freebie thing with filling. I realized this person might have mailed it to the wrong person. It wasn't anything valuable anyway, so I planned to dispose of it casually. But a colleague and her boyfriend found out and insisted the package was theirs. I knew it wasn't, but still let them take it — thinking, since they want it, let them take it. But after taking it they still wanted to ask for the sender's, this gentleman's, information. I was too lazy to go find it and tell them, so I said I don't have it either. They wanted to blame me — then I woke up.
Last night's dream In a banquet hall, many people eating. I was serving, as an employee. Under the boss's arrangement, I tried washing a plate of grapes to put on the boss's table to divert attention, but I hesitated, because actually the people in the room had already been arranged to be sent to a compound. I planned to run out amid the chaos, but I was caught. I said, acting confident and justified, that I was just in a hurry to go to the bathroom. They let me go, but watched me outside. After I came out, I very consciously got on the vehicle being sent to the compound together with those people, as if I had never tried to run. But in the car I kept thinking about finding a chance, a way, planning to try to escape midway. Then I woke up.
Because I'm not the kind with a face and figure that cost hundreds of thousands or millions Just ordinary. The DMs and greetings I can receive, others can receive too People who would lick me would lick others too, and lick them even harder And people who wouldn't group-send like wild 🐶s probably wouldn't intersect with me much either People who would fancy me have long fancied others at the same time, even fancied others more at the same time So I'd feel everything is dull and tasteless I've already become very pretty, but besides blaming myself for still not being pretty enough What else can I do
If a man also scammed me out of tens of thousands, I'd behave If I also got cheated on and scammed once, I'd behave But my luck is very good — I haven't seen the world yet 😭 I can't not be love-brained 😭
Today's dream Roughly, I was in a project team at this company, not very happy, about to leave Then I discovered the computer of the person in front flashed a job posting that fit me very well; I thought, isn't this person…… There was a very capable female boss, short hair, a navy coat, a yellow scarf; everyone called her President Yi. I saw her many times and always felt she looked familiar In the end she recognized me; she said, it's you. In that instant I reacted: she was a specialist/sister who used to be under me at my previous branch company, fifty or sixty years old. When I led her I was extremely good to her (others weren't; I felt her salary was so low and she did so much work, it wasn't easy; when summarizing many things I knew the data and just did it for her; others were particularly businesslike — even a form that could be done in a minute they'd make her do, and if there was an error they'd blame her) I said, President Yi. She said, don't call me President Yi, call me Sister Qiu. Are you in the xxx project team at my company? I said yes. She said, are you preparing to resign? I said yes. She said, are you interested in going to the xxxx project team? (Actually I don't know what project team that is, but I know it must be a good one) I said, thank you President Yi. She said, just call me Sister Qiu I hugged her and whispered, I still want to call you President Yi, but in my heart I call you Sister Qiu This dream has many more wonderful parts before — involving some dolls, and school things, etc. — I forgot them when I woke up. By the time we got to Sister Qiu it was already the end of the dream; what comes after I remember
Isn't it ridiculous — I've said for over ten years that I want to have a 🐒 and still no one believes me? I feel I won't live much longer and want to leave something for this world Is there really someone who doesn't want to have a 🐒? Even I, who has no sex drive, have a reproductive drive — don't you have one? Anyway, I don't know about others But if a man told me he doesn't want to have a 🐒, wants to be DINK or whatever I'd by default assume he looks down on my genes, that I'm not attractive enough to him That one point is enough for me to negate him (As for him looking down on his own genes or his earning ability being insufficient, that's another matter) And then, whichever woman around me gets married and doesn't want to have children My first reaction is also that she dislikes the man's genes
I dreamed I was expelled from school Because in that class I couldn't adapt anywhere And I fought with a male classmate In the end his sister said to pull the surveillance footage My feeling was he harassed me again and again When I lay on the desk he'd come over and lie next to me His arm and head had to be touching me. Originally not too excessive But because I was extremely irritable, after too many times I lost my temper And proving who was right required pulling the surveillance footage I couldn't confirm the timeline, couldn't give a specific interval And plus I'm extremely lazy and dislike trouble So I tore up the application form The teachers then presumed I was in the wrong In the end their teachers and classmates packed my luggage And moved it to another room, saying they'd no longer care about me I only cared whether I could still graduate normally The teacher said of course I could, it wouldn't affect it Later my mom came to help me move my luggage My home is three or four hundred meters from school But I was preparing to take a taxi, because there was a lot of luggage I don't know why she didn't take a taxi And she chatted with the principal; what she cared about was also graduation The principal said the same — it wouldn't affect graduation I was quite happy, not needing to go to school and be ruled And still able to graduate normally But the next moment I realized ? Haven't I already graduated? Why did I come back to school to study? It was like I suddenly picked up The lost memory of having already graduated? The dream ends here Then the second dream I dreamed of going to Japan They said no visa needed Said it was very nice there Before going I longed for it very much Even felt I'd settle there In the end, when I arrived I met danger I was placed under house arrest by villagers I fled from house to house They had to keep me locked in their sight But in the end I riskily ran away They chased behind and didn't catch up I shook them off I hid everywhere — that's it
Woken up by nightmares countless times An amusement park where you can wear masks I would be made up heavily and dressed as a ghost Play thrilling rides to scare myself once And go into another venue dressed as a ghost to scare others once But when I scare others, others are scaring me too With a body full of fear I was squeezed around by the crowd in the park And scared back and forth; I got more and more afraid, more and more fearful The crowd got smaller and smaller, the sky darker and darker I wanted to go home I was especially afraid, I couldn't get a car But I just knew I remembered the way home, I ran wildly If I can't do a hard thing well I'll go do something harder than it Then do this thing along the way For example, on my way home I found my bag was left at the park I needed to run back to get it, but it's too far and I was too afraid But if I run 10 kilometers every day Would I still think it's far? On my 10km run I'd have retrieved it already Actually I looked down and looked closely — my bag was there It hadn't been left behind, I didn't need to go back I resumed running wildly Why do I remember the way home Because I've run it countless times . (Actually, the home in the dream, the road in the dream, the amusement park in the dream Were all first sights, all different from reality But I was just especially certain I remembered?) I kept running home Near my community I could walk normally And saw a narrow bridge I wanted to get home quickly so badly So I took a shortcut over the narrow bridge Halfway across A man suddenly jumped from somewhere else in front of me He said it was deliberate, to borrow/stay with me [block me] Facing my fear on the bridge Or falling into the black ditch under the bridge I don't remember — I fell down, and was scared awake Waking up I was still fearful For a moment I wished there was a person to make me less fearful My consciousness slowly cleared What an absurd and uncomfortable dream
Today, an owner I know introduced me to two other owners The younger one does seafood He wants to place some products into the older one's chain physical stores My god, the older one, from online to offline, kept putting on airs Talking about other things, always an ambiguous attitude The younger one's reaction, honestly I don't remember Probably just kept talking about his own products, advantages, etc. If it were me I'd have flipped the table, blocked them and told them to get lost long ago — what are you pretending for But telling him to get lost is easy, even too easy The hard part is lowering your posture Letting the other party get emotional value, psychological high ground, promoting the deal After all, if it works it's a tens-of-millions order I feel I'm done for 😭 One second I thought, those who perform With high socialization and high agreeableness — are they really sincere? The next second I thought I'm extremely foolish Actually, having finally climbed to that position with great difficulty They're not idiots — what are they after, sincerity? What they're after is the moment they see you, because you have a request, And can't help going against your nature, daring to be angry but not dare to speak, in that humble, fawning way Becoming a person in a higher position, you can see countless such faces Broadly the same, but savoring closely each different Maybe over time you'll go numb later But before going numb, of course every viewing of the "performance" is satisfying If there's no real sincerity, then a fake one is good anyway Who didn't kneel all the way to get there
Isn't it ridiculous — in my earlier years I always felt I grew up being humiliated and abused… (but I have no evidence) But the split is: now everyone around me thinks I'm my parents' baby Maybe because I'm an only child + sponsored My colleague — precisely, former colleague hahaha because I successfully resigned today Said I can leave when I want to leave; they envied me so much they were about to cry… Now when I say I'm not loved, no one believes me? Mainly I never built a persona, never had one I almost never mention my parents And I don't know how I got designated as a beloved child Maybe because everyone instinctively reverse-infers My socialization degree and agreeableness are extremely, extremely, extremely low… infinitely approaching 0 So much that everyone thinks Only a family that doted extremely could raise my kind of temperament? What's more ridiculous is that I seem to, unconsciously, Have really become like what they say Where money is, where love is — I really can't say I'm not loved 🐿 Build a persona of what you want to be, then become it? Don't know.
I realized this 3 years ago
My core needs (in crushing priority order 1. Maximum relative freedom — mainly embodied in the degree of comfort of my body and mind 2. Maximum relative decency — mainly embodied in, without sacrificing 1, I will use any means to stay young and pretty (and the means are mainly medical aesthetics — but because of the limit of 1, the ceiling means I won't be too pretty) 3. Everything that can satisfy my vanity, including but not limited to everything; money is only a small part of it (but because of the limit of 2, it's hard for me to use any means)
I like eating melons (watching drama), I like seeing narratives presented From different perspectives where both sides are victims respectively It's also a way of high-empathy self-abuse I can't understand how people who were once so intimate Can, because someone doesn't want to play anymore and someone else is unwilling, Take out the other party's most embarrassing, most indecent things And mutually defame each other by real name to the utmost It's quite hard to say I truly, from a nameless and positionless brief fate, Obtained something or other I dare not say what I obtained was all the best But all of it was something that could keep my life going As for why there was no name or position I never wanted one, and never thought of giving one I don't know why I know saying this will make me seem love-brained, foolish, self-deceiving But, it's not The ones I saw up close, Relationships that had (or had had) name and position All had their own ferocity and coldness, embarrassment and disgrace And I even stubbornly feel For a relationship to continue, at least one of the two people must have a sufficiently cold and ruthless base color I cannot name those I indulged in, non-sexualized, Intimate, brief moments — I will repeatedly, secretly, with a soft heart, reminisce Especially when I'm down And when I sense I've been hit by some same-sex and some opposite-sex Jealousy and overt or covert suppression Speaking darkly "If it's non-sexualized it's for better sexualized" — hard to say either way After all, those who tried to sexualize me always told me so 🐿 And I may not be able to tell either Whether I'm unhappy because someone tried to price me itself? Or because I think the price was low? If it's the latter, then I'm completely not a good thing either, even sanctimonious.
That day at a meal — stir-fried vegetables with shrimp. A colleague's spoon, in the dish, was like a winding little greedy snake, dodging the vegetables and cleverly scooping six or seven shrimps. Then the shrimps in the dish were just one or two scattered ones left…… In the past I would only have thought this person was shockingly selfish. Now, I'm still shocked. I quite like dealing with people like this, even very much.
A dream from before? June 27, 2018 I had a very long dream, about rulers and rebels. The main characters in the dream were as many as the Water Margin characters — there were scientists, little girls, and all kinds of serious, cool, glorious professions; these people were all rebels. And the ruler persecuted them, and all mankind. The ruler hated the old scientist most, and he had the ability to torment him, because he was the first to try to rebel against being ruled. One in a thousand of mankind had already suffered various calamities — bodies becoming disabled, enduring various pains. I was one of the lucky batch compared to them, looking carefree and intact. But I received a message: the ruler had created a poisonous gas that would soon explode, and once it exploded, everyone would die. About this message, no one said anything; everyone else seemed to all know, and also seemed not to know. Finally the gas exploded, but people didn't die. It looked like nothing happened, and the world suddenly became beautiful — the whole world turned into a paradise feast. All kinds of delicious things, delicacies and high-end fruits you'd never even seen, and all free. But I knew in my heart that everyone would die soon. This paradise was fleeting, and while you were in paradise someone suffered — like the smart, sober and powerless old scientist, like the naked little girl forced to drink a potion and lose her mind without normal mental consciousness, and more people I can't recall. And I was still, as if nothing were wrong, calmly taking high-end grapes and pears to eat at the feast, and kiwi-flavored little mooncakes…… Later the perspective shifted: I became a third-person perspective. My soul talked with a white beauty; we gently and calmly expressed appreciation and chatted. She, holding my arm, told me: what you see is not my physical body, our souls and bodies are separate…… Later, I saw my own physical body, riding a bicycle to the student dormitory. I was still in school? But actually, when I was in school I didn't live in a dorm, and I couldn't ride a bicycle at all…… Suddenly someone looked at me wobbling on the bike and said: look at her, riding so fast, what's she hurrying for? I could only watch myself in the paradise feast riding in the crowd like a monkey, swaying left and right, riding fast like a clown, while agreeing: yes, why is she riding so fast? I clearly knew that everyone, including me, would soon inhale the poisonous gas and stop breathing. In my heart I was both afraid and felt that everyone's ending was like this anyway, so it didn't matter. Then I woke up. I was thinking that at my core I'm both selfish and cold, and a complete pessimist. I was thinking that perhaps everyone is just a doll in the hands of a ruler we can't see. He watches you suffer, watches you make mistakes, watching from the other shore without any emotion, and when he's in a good mood he might whimsically, at random, give you a little surprise when you're in despair, or occasionally look at you being clever and full of holes with amusement, and more often, when you deeply believe you're about to complete something, he throws you some obstacles. I think most of the time I still live in depression and melancholy. I hope for the rest of my life I can live more freely and willfully, righteously greedy for wealth and lustful. Because anyway, whatever you do or don't do, switching to a God's perspective, it all looks like a joke. Mhm.